There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

19/10/1989
currently a nothing
Westside, Singapore

simple is nothing
nothing is simple

lamb chop is loved
(:

msn
youtube

EXHAUSTED!
Mentally & physically. But more of mentally of course. Slept throughout Auditing lesson. Damn shiok! Next week is study week. Am not coming to school except on Monday. Bird & I plan to eat lunch together. After lunch we shall head for Food & Culture room for movie. WADDAFARK!

Was practically shaking for cdp presentation earlier on. Switched off during Accounting lecture, topic: GST. Skipped Auditing. Went for 2 hours break. Ate with Bird, Trilogy & Mat. Played old maid, happy family, "SNAP!" & "Heart Attack" under the void deck.

We were like those primary school kids playing Pokemon cards. Waddafark right?! Late for class at 2pm. Screw 31 & the whole of SBS! Played a couple of word pattern games on the way home. Couldn't guess the first one. Cause I'm dumb alright!

Walked around at EP. I bought knickers! Black in color with love prints on it. Waddafark? Saw mom on the way home. She bought cempedak! Damn shiok! My sis bought Samsung Ultra Edition SGH-U600 black. WADDAFARK!! She bought chevrolet & now the cellphone I've wanted. She such a bitch. She wouldn't even let me touch it. Not even the box.

Watched Step Up 2. It's boring. I thought of catching it in the theatres. Saved alot of money by watching pirated DVDS. Think I'm gonna watch Thai-horror, The House later. With my mom. In my room of course. I love SoNyuhShinKi=Bird, Trilogy, Mat & me!

Following post will be in Malay:

Mmg dari dulu mak suke sangat ketepikan ako dgn kakak. Ako tau dulu abg takde "happy childhood" sebab si Jamil nie, bapak ako lah tu. Ako tau abg tak pernah rase kasih sayang dari seorang ayah. Mak suke nah "defend" dier. Ako bingit. Sebab oleh kerane dier terlalu syg sangat dier abg ako nie, abg ako besar kepale. Sampaikan lahirlah anak luar nikah. Biler ako fikirkan, abg tak salah. Sebab si bapak ako nie tak pernah didik dier dgn baik. Selalu kene marah & pukul. Ko "imagine", abg ako sebaye dgn "lamb chop", "almost two years old" kene "lock" dekat storeroom yg banyak setan tu. Dulu rumah ako mcm sakai, banyak hantu & setan2. Mak kalau sikit nyer pasal nak tunjuk perasaan dgn ako. Kadang2 kan ako mcm nak jadi pelacur lah. Ako dandan diri ako, pastu gi carik "mummy" pastu bilang dier ako nak keje abis cite. Mak bapak ako nie mmg tak tau nak "appreciate". Ako bukan slalu kluar malam, ako tak campur dgn bdk2 mepekz, ako "try" blajar sungguh2 sebab ako nak naikkan namer keluarge ako & "fo myself too". Biler ako ingat balik, ako sepatutnyer terjun dari building skola ako tu. Sebab tat time ako sad so ako gi tingkat 6 duduk kat "parapet" pastu ako rase nak jump off the building ah. SAKIT hati ako. Lebih sakit hati ako dari all the mutiple slash i had on my wrists. Ako rase mcm ako nie bukan anak dorang. Dgn anak org lain bleh bobal step mane nyer lembut. Dgn ako suke nah tinggi kan suare. Ako nie binatang ke? Ako tgh sad giler babi nyer. Sebab ako dah buat segale-galenye untok dorang. Bukan ako mintak upah. Tapi ckp thank you atau treat me nicely dah okay PEr! Ako tau, dorang nie malu pasal ako bdk ITE! Ako tau ako tak keje skarang. Takde duit. Tapi tak bermaksud ako malas. Ako masih gi skola. Ako try. Kadang2 ako tak leh bangun. Tapi ako try my best. Ako belajar jugak. Sampaikan skarang nak graduate dah. Itu pon dorang tak nak tengok betape hardworking ako nie. Ako mcm socai/kuli/maid kat rumah nie. Sejak Norrina lahir, mak ako slalu suruh ako jage dier. Walaupon ako ade skola early in the morning atau ade banyak homework. Nanti dier buat alasan yg dier nak buat keje rumah. PADAHAL tak masak. Ako KEBULOR SIOL! MAUT NYER KEBULOR. Babi sey. Biler ako sembahyang, dorang buat muke. Mcm ako nie action je nak sembahyang. Kan babi tuh! Abeh tadi nak tunjuk perasaan pasal ako ckp ako tak nak jage Norrina. Ako dgn Norrina tak ngam. Dier nie suke nak stick kat mak ako. Ako pon bingit nak jage dier. Sedih ah. Abg ako skarang nak act maner nyer besar. MENTANG2 dah rich. Bleh belah lah! Sape mandikan ko biler ko accident dulu?!! SAPE TEMANKAN KO GI INJECTION PANTAT KO DULU! Sape teman ko tido biler ko takot si PONTI2 TU?! SAPE yg kasi ko duit biler ko haus main BOLA! Sume mmg tak mengenang jase! ABG KAKAK MAK BAPAK SUME SAMER LAH! Ako rase kan, kalau ako mati sekarang nie, dorang pon tak nak kebumikan ako lah siol! Kalau ako tau jadi mcm gini, ako tak makan obat tu sumer & ako potong dlm2 nyer wrists ako nie. BABI SIAL!!!!!!!

I'm going bald soon from doing all the revision papers. But then again, shall give my all for finals. Tp..tp..tp! Skipped school today. There's practically nothing in school. I took all the revision papers needed. Looks like I officially started my study week beforehand. Enduring 2 more weeks of school is such a torture. I want to be free! Now!

So mom took advantage of me today. Did a couple of household chores & taking care of lamb chop. I feel like killing her sometimes. I'm suppose to be doing revision right now. Instead, I'm blogging, downloading songs (LEGALLY), sipping tea & chatting online. Someone told me not to enter Polytechnic because it's a waste of time. & that I wouldn't do well. What the fuck! I've waited long enough for this. I want a diploma in Tourism & Hospitality so bad that I'll jump off a building to prove it. I was told that choosing clothes to wear to school is a problem for most Polytechnic students.

I think he has nothing better to do. Dampened my spirits. What a bastard! & I'm sad thinking that me & Debz ain't close anymore. She's always busy with everything. *SIGH*

Freaking tagboard. It's either the webby's fault or mine. Will settle for a new one soon. School's alright. Ate KFC with Birdie today. It's finger lickin' good. I'm sick of mom. She's treating me like shit time & time again. It is as though I have no say in anything. She always make the decision for me. She has the final say to everything. I always do stuff for everybody thinking that it's for their own good. & that they'll at least appreciate me with a "thank you". But I was stepped on instead. They trampled me all over.

I feel like a filipino maid. Sometimes I really wonder if I am part of the family. I get frustrated each time I think about this. It's raining heavily. I can't go for my run today. It's cold. I'm gonna have a nice peaceful sleep tonight. Woo! Since I can't run, I shall dance to my favourite tunes. Everyone around me is making me jealous these days. With new cellphones & Birdie's BB pouch, think I'm going bonkers. Fuck. Now I have the urge to get a job. I'm suppose to be studying for finals.

Sialan betol. Baru nak steady belajar untuk exam. Dah macam2 kat otak aku nie.

Weather's like shit. As usual, slacked at home. Did some revision & Friday's homework. I gotta endure 2 more weeks of school. I'm dying to have my deserve break. Resort was cancelled. Due to fact that I'm having exams on Monday. I'm still wondering who's "Legend". That person tagged my blog a few months back. I wonder if that person still reads my blog. It makes me wonder what the whole rumor was all about. I did have some bad memories back in KR & CP. Mostly teachers were involved. When I think about it, I was such a dumbie.

I can't wait for 13 March to come. It's my biggest day. It's not my birthday. But it's a big deal to me. & I'm super nervous thinking about my results. I really want to get into Polytechnic. I've waited long enough. I'm way behind my peers. Dayummmm!

First Annual Peace Concert in LA. No chance for me to go. There's so many artist coming down. I really hope Big Bang's not in the list. I wanna be rich too! I want to meet Big Bang too! I want to attend Annual Hollywood Bowl. It's not fair. I'm so poor. =(

Woke up to find two msn messages from hotties. Huaa Huaa Huaa. & no I haven't shower yet. I lost my cool yesterday. Kept yelling at lamb chop. I'm starting to love this skin. Don't think I'll change it. Anyways I'm thinking of getting LG or Samsung (cellphone), Vaio (notebook), Olympus (digicam). But it'll take some time for me to save a big amount of cash. Right now, I'm saving to revamp my wardrobe for next semester. Well, I hope I can get in. I'm sure I will. My results ain't too bad.

This blogskin is a little weird. I will revamp it when I have the time. It is exactly 17 days to my finals. I haven't done any serious revision. Skipped school. Found out there's a whole lot to do for Auditing. I'm thinking of working part-time while I wait for a reply from Polytechnic. Lamb chop's such a burden. Babysitting is a chore for me. Especially when I had to clean her up. It gets nasty when she sits on her poo.

Someone invited me to a club. Hello? Do I look like a clubber? Had a tiff with mom yesterday. She's such a bitch sometimes. I've done alot for her. Why couldn't she do some favours for me too? I started drinking this awfully bitter tea. I'm sheding a kilo everyday. I'm sure I'll reach my goal at the end of first week of March. Shoo fats shoo. =)

It's always been like this.
Being compared to my other siblings.
They're not doing well either.

One's a bitch the other two's an asshole.
I'm trying to make it to Polytechnic.
But it seems like I never exist in the family.
Like what the fuck?

I just feel so hurt.
Mom only cares about money.
She wasn't like this when I was in Starbucks.
Ever since I quitted, she ignores me most of the time.

So what if I'm not making money now?
I'm still 18 & studying.
Sometimes I feel like being a hooker.
Then I'll get more cash fast.
FAST.

Eventually I'll get STD.
& probably die.
That's the only option for me.
If my patience level go down.

I hate families.
I hate mine.

Yes!
Finally, I've forgotten all of previous topics.
& exams coming very soon.
Sound's great?

But with Birdie's & Cicak's help,
I can do it!
Cause I'm a genius. =)

It's always a torture for me.
Whenever I feel like eating less.
There'll be pizza, bbq drumlets, donuts etc.
& other goodies.

BAM!
Had a feast on Sunday.
But I didn't waste any food.
Even though I was suppose to be eating less.

Monday blues.
Ran 3 rounds around the stadium.
2 questions on Hire Purchase.
1 question on Bank Reconciliation.
2 questions on Hire Purchase - Seller's Books.

Wanted to go for 2.4km
But I slept till 6pm.
Well at least I ran in the morning.
Hahs!

Today I was late for accounting.
But manage to finish the question. woo
Did 2 questions on Bank Reconciliation.
Accompanied birdie for an interview.

So birdie & I are okay now.
I felt really bad for not talking to her.
It's not entirely her fault.
I was selfish to think about only myself.

Birdie, ChipChip, Hyung, Small Bang.
If you're reading this.
Me love you alot.

We'd be bestest k-buds ever!
(>o<)

Latest addiction, oreo donut from munchy's.
Superb combination of crushed cookies & fluffy bread.
Absolutely yummylicious.

I want some!

Breakfast
2 slices of bread
2 half boiled eggs

Lunch
Fishball noodles

Drank plenty of water too.
Went to the loo quite often.
Today's end of red dot.
I meant my period.

Submitted ITE Edusave Bursary.
Met mom & lamb chop.
Walk around.
Bought donuts from munchy's.

Served by lydia. =)
Walked home.
Slacked at bro's crib.
Looked after lamb chop.

That's all I did.
Ijan's coming home tomorrow.
Her sentence will be over very soon.

& I wanna go for the resort thing.
But exam's on Monday.
Fuck.

Spent the whole morning checking out courses for Polytechnic.
Then finally applied for the courses I wanted. =) woo
Right now, I'm figuring out on how much I should spent.
I really hope I get into tp...tp...tp

If I don't then I shall wait for next year.
Then I'll find a job whilst waiting.
I'll probably have enough by then.
Hehs.

I'm happy but not that happy.
Get it?

Exams on 10 Mar & 12 Mar.
How come I don't feel any sense of urgency?
Hao lian liao. =P
Haven't done any serious revision.

14/02 is not the day I go dating.
It's the day I apply for Polytechnic.
Tp...tp...tp

Was sleepy today.
Didn't feel like going to school.
But I made it.

Lamb chop's a bitch.
She didn't let me touch her.
But I slapped her anyway.
Hehs. =)

Super sleepy today.
Dragged my fat ass to school.
Did one question on Hire Purchase.
Two questions on Aging Analysis.
That's all.

Looking forward to 14/02.
I hope I get it.
Tp...tp...tp.
=)

Sis bought Chevrolet, Avio #@$?
Can't remember the model.
Free rides. =)

I love free stuff.
My stamina dropped!
From 14:15 to 15:53 mins for 2.4km
Heh. Retook standing broad jump.

School's okay.
Nothing new.
We didn't talk that much.
Usually, she would go "Eh Kuss, Ko tau! Hari tu Ako..."

It's always that same sentence.
Then she will go on talking & talking.
But it wasn't like that today.
It was so awkward.

Ate too much.
Having my period now.
That explains why I've been farting alot.
But I tahan in school.
Huaahaha.

Reached home & let go.
Buay tahan liao.
My bathroom stinks now.
& my bedroom too.

Super pungent.
Huaahaha.

Had about enough.
This whole friendship thing sank deep.
Though I admit I had alot of fun.
But it's just too much.

Now that she's making me,
look like I'm the villain,
I might as well end this whole thing.

No point holding on to something,
when you know it's not gonna work out.
Humans are naturally selfish.
It's up to the individual to change it.

She's kind of selfish when it comes to knowledge.
Super arrogant whenever she does well.
I am jealous.

To put it in simple words,
I'm a sore loser.
A loser that can never make it.
A pathetic sadist.

Now that my closet is all clean,
I'm able to focus on other things.
Really hope I make it to poly this year.
Else I gotta wait till next year.

Packed all her stuff.
Stuff she gave me.

Having friends of the same race,
always leave me with bad situations.

Really hope this doesn't happen in poly.
I am feeling so helpless.

I'm such a bad friend.
Right?

Dang.
& so I just read.
Her post on Wednesday.

& it seems like,
I'm the villain here.
Sounds great!

It's like the last piece,
of a triple fudge brownie.
Oh so good.

Fuck.
Now I'm thinking about food.
Holidays were horrendous.

It's just starting,
& I'm not enjoying it at all.
Thanks to bro.

Nice tent you got there.
Guess who's back?
FUCKING MIGRAINE.
Woo! =)

I'm dying to go,
for brain juicing.
End of holidays, puh-lease.
Let's just finish everything,
& take the damn paper!

Finally 2 years of ITE.
It's gonna end soon.
Muahahahaha!

I'm mood- less today.
Should I say numb?

I saw an old friend.
Didn't know she works at munchy.
That friend is, Lydia.

Mom couldn't recognise her.
Mom said she looked prettier.
To me, she's always been pretty.

I'm frustrated with school work.
It seems like I'm not gonna do well.
In finals that is.

I'm frustrated over some stuff too.
I don't get Haseena sometimes.
She has everything.

Good family.
Average income.
Very religious.
But why the fucking attitude?

I don't get Matus sometimes.
Why does she like to punch me?
Am I a punching bag?
She loves to yell at me.
Gives me unwilling responds to whatever I say.

I guess she's a weirdo.
Just like her friends.
Minah's & lesbos.
I'm not surprise if she turns into one.
Haha.

I don't get Hyung sometimes too.
Why yell at me for nothing?
Did I steal your bf or something?

I don't get myself too.
I get hurt easily & I heal easily.

Whatever it is.
Something is wrong.

Heck it.
I'm gonna graduate soon.
Fuck who cares about the present.

I'm gonna leave this life.
& live a new life soon.

It didn't bother me at first.
But it's getting on my nerves now.
What did I do to deserve all this?

Yeah I know you're smart & all that.
But that doesn't mean you have the rights to yell at me.
It's not like I slack alot.
I do help around.
I don't sit there like a statue.

& yet you yelled at me.
I respect my friends.
But I don't get any.
If teasing hurt your feelings.

Then I'll stop talking.
I don't punch my friends around for the stupidest jokes.
I know I like to tease around but punching doesn't deal with teasing at all.
I feel so stupid right now.
I feel so disrespected.

Not that I'm asking for it.
I just don't get this.
Why? Am I like a doll or something?
Piece of bull poop?
I just feel so stupid right now.

Very stupid.
If I had a chance to turn back time,
I wouldn't wanna be friends with you people.
I don't want to have these memories stucked inside my head.

Fine.
I'll stop talking.
I'll stop all my nonsense.
I'll ask teachers for help instead.
I won't bother you guys anymore.

I'm a loser.
A big one that is.
A big FUCKING LOSER.
I'll stop teasing & making stupid lame jokes for you guys.
I'll keep quiet.
I'll act dumb like a statue.
I won't ask anything.

nadirah
shima
eugene
eqa
farrah
nazirah
shireen
farahizza

debbie
iman

coolsmurf
alex(clazziquai)
wonsik

Basecodes: detonatedlove
Background : I forgot who.
Designer : robox