There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

19/10/1989
currently a nothing
Westside, Singapore

simple is nothing
nothing is simple

lamb chop is loved
(:

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It has been more than a week since I last ate rice. I wanted to go for ITE Graduation day. Tapi tak diizinkan olehNya. I haven't talked to Yejin more than a month now. Maybe two months? I don't understand her sometimes. She gets sensitive over small matters. Or maybe it's just me? I must admit that I miss her alot!

I used to get long distance calls from her. Despite being told not to waste money, she still calls me just to say "hi" once in awhile. 예진아! 미안. Life is not getting better each day. I hate living in deception. I hate living with pretenders and suckers. Wussies and pussies at home.

I'm really hungry right now. I wish to learn how to cook momma's signature dishes. But she ain't a good teacher. I can do other stuff like cleaning, washing and sewing. But the one thing I can never excel in is cooking. I will marry a dashing chef in future!

Those pussies and wussies! Grr!

I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand it! It's just too much. I'll be away for a few weeks. I will be back in May. Gotta blast!

To dearest Hyung:
It's hard for me to find a friend who is so patient with me. Tolerating my nonsense all the time. Forgiving at the same time. I didn't really like you when I got to know you at first. For real's ya'll. I didn't expect you to pour out everything to me. (you know what I mean right?) Well bro, I still want to keep in touch with you. I want to be your friend for life! =) Teman yang paling hebat! Kangen sama kamu!

Right. So I haven't been really into my goals these few days. Reason being, I'm lazy and my mind's outta place. I haven't clean up my school stuff and all the certs. I know I gotta get into shape now. It's going pretty smoothly I'd say. Like for example no food after 7, drinking SOD tea after every meal or anytime I'm thirsty and also cutting the proportions of food intake.

I did some aerobic exercises, hip hop abs (really easy) and simple pilate. My weight did drop a little. But it's still not enough. I can't go for graduation day looking like the way I am now. It's not embarassing. More like, there's no change in me. Like I look the same all the time. Forget it.

I'm taking mom for a check-up tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll not bring me to some place and pig out. Because that's not my plan for tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's gonna rain. But if it does, then it's gonna be aerobic. I'll go for a run instead if it doesn't rain. Gosh.

Chatted with a fellow school mate the other day. I'm not a lesbian. Being single & independent for 18 years doesn't make me a lesbian. He was so sure that I'm a lesbian just because I'm currently not attached to anybody. Crap.

Bumped into a fellow school mate earlier today. Mom said he looks like a girl. Serious shit. No big deal actually. We lived in the same block. He snickers at me all the time. But not when I'm with my mom. Ho ho ho.

My peers are in poly now. Most of them are in their 1st year & 3rd year. Thinking about these things making me feel like a complete loser. For real's ya'll. Maybe it's just not my rezeki. Hmmm?

Obviously there's nothing interesting about my life. Not recently. Norrina seems like a little sister to me rather than a niece. I love each & every part of her. But people always mistook her as my daughter whenever we're outside. For real's ya'll.

I don't think I have a bright future ahead. Unless I get married to a fucking rich & sincere man. Slim chance, fat hope ya? I can't waste 2 more years just to be part of SCDF. No way. & I don't even have a freaking diploma. My O's are a total shit. I haven't got a job yet. I'm still in the process of getting a hot bod. Spell L-O-S-E-R ya?

Whining & whining. Frankly, I feel like strangling this cousin of mine. He just can't get enough of teasing me everytime he sees me. You're gonna eat your heart out soon.

Mak kater kene jage diri baik2. Kalau tak nanti bangla amik ko. Pastu sembunyi bawak bodek. Kwang3! Hiak3!!

I've got no mood to blog. There's absolutely nothing to blog about. I'll end up whining about how bad my life is, my weight, how I failed in academic etc etc. I'm gonna close this blog temporarily. I really have nothing to say about my life. So adios!

I am such a fool. I fall for it everytime. I depend on it so much that I was foolish enough to believe it. At first, I didn't expect anything from it because I was sincere about it & will always be. I thought by sacrificing, I will gain love from it. Little did I expected, I was being used. I feel so wasted. Thrown aside when I'm not needed. I'm just a tool. I don't mean anything to it. I put in so much trust into it. I gave my everything to it. I'm to blame when everything goes wrong. I was not allowed to speak my mind. I can't cry when I'm hurt. I had to comfort when I'm the one who needs it. I had to admit mistakes which I didn't do. I had to swallow my pride for it. I can't fight for my rights.

I am always a fool. A fool for friendship.

I'm gonna give myself another chance. I thought of applying for Poly again, October intake. If God forbids me from going to Poly, then I just have to accept my fate. Meanwhile I'm gonna find a job, full-time. But, only after I finally succeed my first goal, weight loss. Recently I've been eating alot. It's true. Now I know why I'm fat. I binge whenever I feel down. That's just me.

Ah, if I don't get through Poly, I'm gonna settle for Prison Officer or SCDF. Mom is giving me full support for this. Sometimes I don't get her. At first she didn't care at all, but now she seems so supportive, which is a good thing. Well, I hope everything goes smoothly & that God shall be on my side. Insyaallah.

Speaking of weight loss, I'm gonna make use of April. I'll make sure I change this ugly look of mine. I don't wanna be chubby for the rest of my life. I don't wanna be make fun of all the time. I don't wanna be that ugly sibling anymore. I hate being ugly. =(

I have no more will. 2 years have gone to waste. Fuck.

For whole 2 minutes, I stared at the computer screen. It was unexpected. I didn't make it. I cried in the bathroom as I do not want mom to hear me. When I finally broke the news to her, she said, "So what are you going to do now? Fail fail lah". Major ouch! She doesn't even fucking care that I'm suffering from a blow here. Hello? The whole family doesn't give a shit. Those dumbfucks. I was taken aback by the results. I slept till the evening. Just wanting to forget about what I just saw. I didn't have the desire to eat or do anything at all.

& yes I didn't have my shower for the whole day. Major stench! So I woke up, trying to put everything into places. I'm thinking of getting a job. Definitely not an accountant. I don't wanna stress myself up till I go bald & start mutilating myself. Big no no! I don't know what I wanna do now. I'm such a failure.

Woke up at 9 today. Immediately log on to my portal &....
YES AH!! I DID IT! I'M AWARDED HIGHER NATIONAL ITE CERTIFICATE IN ACCOUNTING. WOOTS!!
But I don't know if I make it to poly or not.
Results on friday. =x





I'm gonna get(?) a new niece/nephew soon. No family planning at all. Like I said, THEY ONLY KNOW THE PLEASURE OF HAVING SEX BUT DOESN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT. IN OTHER WORDS, THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN. So as I was saying, I'm completely frustrated over this. It's just fucking crazy. They don't even have stable jobs. Their house is in a mess. & they have the nerve to have sex. Think about the consequences will you? Gosh. Both of them are dumbfucks. Really.

Because of Norrina, I couldn't sleep. I get frustrated easily. I can't study at home. Even though my results were okay, I could do better. Thankfully, I'm done with ITE. Gosh. Total chaos at home. With mom whining about her illness & crying like a mad woman. I could go crazy at that point of time. I could have gone back to my addiction of mutilating myself. Dumbfucks!

Tomorrow's the ultimate day. Major day for me. Results will be out from ITE & Poly. This is it. I haven't bought my "school uniforms" because I have no confidence in myself that I will be able to make it to Poly. Shit-ness in me.

Mom is obsessed with money. I can tell right from the beginning.

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