There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

19/10/1989
currently a nothing
Westside, Singapore

simple is nothing
nothing is simple

lamb chop is loved
(:

msn
youtube

B to the I to the G (Bang Bang)
Passed my bar test. Took it today.
Don't wanna talk about work anymore.
I missed school right now. I missed the fun I had with hyung, sutamilah & seenaz_trilogy.
I missed them so so much.
Mom's much better now. She's alot healthier.
I hope she stays this way. Free from stress.
I shouldn't judge a person from their looks. I have to look deeper & find out their personality.
I was wrong about some people I knew & just known.
Never knew it would turn out this way.
Nonetheless, I will try my very best & tawakal, selawat, ingat kepada Allah S.W.T & just do my thing.
KUSS FIGHTING!

Store meeting wasn't fun at all.
I felt really left out. Especially when Burger told me that some people complained about me delaying my bar test for a longest time.
I really felt lousy about it. Different people have different learning abilities.
I know I'm a freaking slow learner. But I did try my best to get it right.
Those people are fucking selfish okay. I'm not sure if it's only one person or a bunch of people.
You guys suck. You'll get it from Him when you die. Fuckers.
I'm gonna emphasize more on B. Remember B? B talked to me.
Even though it was just some random questions, it was a big deal to me.
He's super nice. He didn't yell at me or use a fucking tone when coaching me.
The only person who send good aura to me is no one. I didn't felt any good aura from any of the partners there.
This sucks. I really feel like giving up.
I HATE SB-HV PARTNERS!

I just feel like writing an entry.
I know I'm way slow now.
Just listened to a couple of songs by SLEEQ.
I'm talking about Singaporean duo SLEEQ.
Yes those guys who sang Hiccups, Masanya, Pilihlah Aku etc.
I thought to myself about this whole Big Bang & SLEEQ thing.
I mean, I can't even meet Big Bang cause they're far away in S.Korea.
While SLEEQ is my fellow citizen. Hohoho.
Suddenly felt so proud to be a Singaporean.
Haha. SLEEQ hell yeah definitely slick alright.
Obsession. pfft.
GO SLEEQ! screaming like a fan...

Freaking bar test.
It's not today cause Burger's not there.
So its tomorrow at 11am.
I'm so screwed. Because it's lunch hour.
I know I'm gonna fail but I want to pass.
The verdict is Burger's not gonna let me pass.
I'm very sure about this. Think she'll let me pass for next test instead.
Bah. I don't know. Don't give a damn.
Don't really have the mood.
Feeling a little disorganized today. My thoughts, I mean.
I think I'm wrong about Y. Shouldn't have had negative thoughts about Y.
Y seemed rough & tough but Y's actually trying to help me.
I could be wrong. Humans' personality are difficult to understand.
A was there. Like I said, A is attached to Y.
A was pretty normal, nice person. A didn't talk that much to me.
Remember B, C & D. It's been a long time since I saw all of them.
I'm not sure if they're working tomorrow. This time there's W.
W is friendly, always greet me, helps me alot, gives me advices & super warm.
W is like a mom/dad or big sister/brother. I respect W alot.
For taking the time to coach me. For being patient with a freaking slow learner like me.
Sometimes I hate my sister for being a selfish bastard. But I still love her cause she's the only bitch who understands the situation at home. Both of us felt the same way about mom & bro. But not dad. She loves him.
I fucking hate him. Really.
He can die. Don't give a damn about it.
I met up with my sister before I went to work today.
Passed her cellphone bill. She owes me either $20 or a meal.
But I doubt she'll fulfill it. Unless she's in a good mood or really have the extra ka-ching!
By the way, what's so good about clubbing? Drinks are fucking expensive.
Even if it's coke. Sheesh. Loud thumping music & irritating flicking lights.
Getting sudden grinding from strangers. Scary perverts.
I don't see the need to smoke, drink or club.
Today I saw a disgraceful pair. Tattoed, mini skirts, drugged-looking pair.
No wonder other races are looking down on us, Malays.
MCM MANER ORANG MELAYU NAK MAJU?!

Supposedly, bar test at 5pm.
Due to some circumstances, can't make it.
Am not mad at her for not picking up the phone.
Cause I gotta know later that she was sick.
Meeting her tomorrow for my book.
More worried if my manager still trusts me.
Luckily, she set another date which is tomorrow.
Freaking bar test.
Guess this is how it goes.
Prefer to have few friends but true.

Been eating alot these days.
From fastfood promotions to home cooked meals.
Tomorrow's my bar test.
Freaking nervous. Expect the unexpected.
Still not good at pulling shots.
Think I gained some weight.
Will occupy my time with Star King today.
& reading up recipes for tomorrow.

More things happened.
& I don't give a damn.

Not called for work.
Do not know when's my bar test.
Missed A, B & D.
Missed school.

11:04pm

11:43pm
The more I think about it. The more I want to experience it myself. I'm not even sure about my own feelings. Don't you know? I like you. I'm starting to fall for you. I hate myself for that because this isn't right. It's not right at all. I don't want to love you. But I want to like you.

8:27pm
I hate to admit this. But I missed B & D. I hate how this is going. I am working my ass off. I am trying my best to do it right. But he just slogged at home for nothing. I hate the way he treats mom. I remember every word he said about mom. Why did you even marry her in the first place? I pity mom. Sometimes, I really wish I wasn't born at all. So that mom and Bro could run away from this filthy place. I wish mom didn't have me. I wish she never married him. I wouldn't mind not being born at all. I just don't want her to suffer at this age where she should be enjoying a slow pace life. Making a trip to Mecca. I want to fulfill her wish. But I could only do this much. The fact that idiot & his family doesn't gives mom money makes me wanna kill them. What an idiot! She's your mom for Allah's sake. You didn't even care a single thing about us & mom. What is happening to this family? Mom's health improved a little these days. Cause I always remind her to take her medication. I hope everything goes smoothly. Since me and my sis have a job. I hope that this will take some burden off mom. I'll try my very best to scrimp & save every little thing I have. & give some for mom too. I wanna change whatever I have now. I don't want to live like this forever. I have too many sins. I'm regretful. I feel ashamed of myself & to Him.

10:00pm
I'm sad. I feel like a loser. I feel so crushed. I've never felt this lousy before. It's the same feeling I experience 2 years ago which led me to suicide attempts. Though I vow never to do it again, the feeling of rejection is too much for me to take. I trust myself. I can clearly see that none of you are accepting me. You guys exchange looks behind my back. Making ugly expressions everytime you're assigned to be my learning coach. Why is it so hard to share knowledge with others? I don't freaking understand this. Besides, different people have different learning skills. So much for Starbucks Mission Statement & Values, Star Skills & 5 "Be"s. Screw it. Fuck. I feel so freaking sad. Stop doing this. You people are pushing me to the limits. I don't mind about other things. But not being accepted is just plain cruelty. I feel like quiting but at the same time I don't want to give up just like that. I don't want to surrender yet. But then again, I feel so crushed. Not able to trust anyone at all. STARBUCKS COFFEE COMPANY SUCK BALLS!

8:50pm
Whenever I think about work, I think about them. Let's protect people's identity. Whenever I see B or talk to B, I feel super nervous. I want to get to know B but at the same time I don't want to. I don't want B to feel that I like B. But then, there's this other C who keep talking to me. I hate the way C talk to me. C is always giving me pressure. I feel so stressed & uncomfortable with C. I want to tell C off but at the same time I don't want to hurt C because we just got to know each other. I don't want to leave a bad impression on C because I'm not a bad person. Then there's this D who sort of flirting with me. I find it disgusting but at the same time I want to be friends with D. D is a nice person. D talks to me often. I keep thinking about D all the time. D gives me butterflies. D always make my imaginations run wild. I hate the way D smile, but I like it. Next, there's A. A is actually attached to Y. A is nice too. When I got to know A is attached to Y, I try my best to avoid A. Because I'm afraid of Y.

12:10am
I'm seriously gonna fail my bar test. I think I'm gonna be one of "them" who takes multiple bar test before I'm certified a pro. Felt really sick today. I don't know what's wrong with my body. My head still feels heavy. Dang. Being at POS register is tiring. I missed lots of lessons. Thank God I'm done with CA. Mom please get well soon. I'm scared. Lots of things going through my mind. I don't want to lose you now. Not yet. I'm feeling a little better now. After the massage, felt damn great. I'm gonna do my CDP project & then go to bed. Sleep like a log. Seriously, I think there's something wrong with me. I checked symptoms of Leukemia somewhere. Do I have Leukemia?

6:22am
Mom woke me up today. I'm glad she's herself now. Doesn't yell or throw hurtful remarks on me. I'm happy. So fucking tired lah. Auditing CA was alright for me. But I'm not 100% sure I'll get an A. But I want an A since I got B for Accounting. Dang. I wanted to die when I was at bar yesterday. Seriously man, colleagues weren't nice at all. Some of them doesn't wanna share their knowledge with me. Fucker! You'll get it from Him when you die man. I know Allah will do something for your selfishness. Joyce was nice to me. He talked to me again. I'm so happy. Even though we don't work at same shifts, at least I can think about him. FUCK! I sound like a despo. Shit. I'm not okay. Who wouldn't fall for a cute guy right? Unless your're a lesbo. I'm definitely straight. Seemed tired these days. Felt like I didn't have time for everything. Especially school & Hyung! Mom told me this, "It's good that you have another responsibility cause it seems like you're not eating much at home. So you shall lose weight for good". Hahaha. I only think about sleeping. Unless I'm really hungry. Then I'll start thinking about food. Hehehe. I'm okay. But not entirely okay. Get it?

11:36am
Think I'm allergic to caffeine. Got dizzy after 7 types of coffee tasting yesterday. Took a short nap for about 1hr in store. My head felt so heavy like a bowling ball. I'm so fucking scared. I'm finishing training soon & I have to be prepared for theory test & bar test. I don't feel good today.

10:16pm
Decided to take down my music player. It's a little nuts. Haven't been updating due to working part-time. Missed my classes too. It was so chaotic. Everyone wants free drinks. Singaporean so cheapo ne ne! My shift starts at 3pm till closing. It's gonna be hell for me tomorrow. Gah! Getting blisters all over my toes. My period's done! Can cut my toe nails le. Only muslims will understand this. Non-muslims can ask me okay? Colleagues are bunch of fucking crazy & horny people. I didn't really connect with my colleagues. If it wasn't for the sake of money, I wouldn't want to work part-time. Sewn my wallet. Can finally use it again! Yay! I'm so tired, nothing goes in my brain right now. I have to study. I feel so stressed. Gah!

12:13 am
Reached home 1 hour ago. Art Of Expresso was fun! Did 5 drinks in total. My cold got better too. There were only 5 of us in class. Was full of laughter. Wasn't draggy at all. Got to know my training mates a little better. I was myself too. Am looking forward to next core module class, which is the last. It's on Saturday. Will be studying for Auditing later on. Will be doing my CDP project too. SB rocks! Facilitators are super nice. Super duper fabulous! Think I've lost weight. I haven't had enough sleep & improper meals for the past 3 days. Thank God my pimples starting to disappear now. Syukur Alhamdulilah. I'm trying to repent these days. I feel that without His approval, I can't seemed to do anything right. I feel frustrated & give up easily. Ya Allah, thank you for making my day go smoothly. I'm thankful to reach home safely, to see my parents, lamb chop & sis.

2:04pm
I'm not in school. AGAIN. I hate feeling sick. Had pizza & sprite for breakfast. Took some medication & rested for 2 hours. Woke up at about 6 am. But I didn't have the energy to shower & go to school. Can't even type proper sentences right now. I haven't shower yet. My oily hair & face. With smelly shirt & shorts. The smell of yesterday's class. Plus my period. Disgusting? I haven't changed my pad yet cause it's not overflowing. Seems like my period is getting lesser everymonth. Usually my period gets less heavier on the 4th day. But this time, it's only the 2nd day & my period is not heavy at all. I have training again. From 5 to 10. Art of Expresso. I'm loving my training & can't wait to officially start work. I'm feeling so frustrated right now. The fact that I missed Big Bang in Thailand. Can't even fly there to see them. They don't even know I exists. Comfort me! Feel like a sore loser right now. I'm gonna missed Big Bang end of year concert too. Due to the fact that I'm fucking poor. Can't even save for my air tickets. Really pathetic. I feel so freaking sad. This stupid fucked up life. I'm so fucking poor. For the past 2 days of barista training, everyone was enjoying their lunch from Long John's Silver. I'm like sitting there hearing them munching. && Because of the fucking aircon, I'm having a cold. Can't even savour the pizza I had for breakfast. Damn. I'm gonna work my ass off during holidays. Stupid fucking poor life. I dread the feeling of being poor.

9:20pm
I hate being sick. I don't feel good at all. Was shivering during class. Little lamb chop's getting out of hand everyday. Oh man I feel so frustrated with lamb chop. I don't feel good right now. There's nothing much to blog about. I'm tired, sick & frustrated. Training was alright.

8:42 pm
Barista training was fucking awesome! I love Irene, the facilitator for today. Met alot of different people today. From the goody freak to noisy bitch. No no it's not an insult. It's a compliment. Everyone was friendly. They were fucking awesome. 495A rocks! There's another training for tomorrow. Even though I'm looking forward to it, I still feel a little uneasy. Yep from now on, I'll try my fucking best to embrace everyone with an open mind. I'm so gonna buy starbucks polo tee & cap. Thought of wearing a cap with my hair tied up. Hehe. I have a thing for head assessories. Just to hide my unsightly mullet hair. Kekex. Amazingly, I didn't fucking eat like a pig today. Fucking miracle! I only had one meal, that is lunch. Met up with mom after my training. Finally bought my razors. Haven't shaved my legs properly & armpits of course. No wonder I've been having pimples on my forehead. Had my period today. Really thought it was just some discharge. Lucky I had pads with me. Haven't studied for Auditing & complete my CDP project. Getting lazy each day. I'm not gonna fret over my weird name anymore. People think my name is cool. Of course! I'm the only person in the world that has this name. Kuss Kuss Kuss.....I'll end here.

nadirah
shima
eugene
eqa
farrah
nazirah
shireen
farahizza

debbie
iman

coolsmurf
alex(clazziquai)
wonsik

Basecodes: detonatedlove
Background : I forgot who.
Designer : robox