There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

19/10/1989
currently a nothing
Westside, Singapore

simple is nothing
nothing is simple

lamb chop is loved
(:

msn
youtube

8:30 pm
So fucking irritating. Her voice & everything. She should get laid with some bangla. Mom's getting on my nerves too besides that keling. There's nothing much to blog lately. I'll end here.

1:22 pm
Screw that fucking paper! I couldn't get my cash flow statement right. There's nothing to hope for. I know I'm getting a C or B. Fucking cash flow. It's not fucking fair. Questions done in class are fucking easy. But when it comes to tests, I feel like killing the setter. 미치겠다. Training schedule is done. My training will last for 2 weeks. After that, I'm able to work officially. I didn't know there's quite a number of malays working too. I'm not being an asshole right now. But I think Starbucks value number 1 : Be Welcoming. I guess partners there only think that by saying "helllo" & "goodbye" is welcoming to a person. I don't feel welcome at all. I feel that it's just a routine for them. Felt like a total idiot. Probably it's my first time meeting them. Now I'm really scared. Afraid not able to make any friends. I really hope I make alot of friends during my training since I'll be meeting alot of new faces just like me. This really bothers me alot. I'm not in school today. I don't feel good. Missed 4 fucking hours of school. Mom cried when I told her about something. I felt bad. Sometimes I wished I didn't tell her. I'm such an asshole. But I just wanted to make things clear. I wish she could just lean on me. But I have nothing to give except for my listening ear & a shoulder. I really wish I could give you everything. I'm scared I'm too late to give you a good life. Mom, I won't let you die. Not now. Not yet. Even if I have to work my ass off, I'll do it.


5:04 pm
Oops my bad. It didn't rain last night. Didn't sleep well last night. Kept thinking about my training. Afraid I can't keep up. Afraid I'll have no friends. They seemed pretty nice. But I can't help thinking that they're just putting on an act. Like smiles on the outside but bloody sucking vampires inside. Get it? I'm scared they aren't helpful. I know there's a guy who already finished his training & got his barista cert. But what if he doesn't work on night shifts? I basically have to work nigh shifts cause I have school. I have a bad feeling about this whole part-time job thing. I'm not sure if Legend is reading this. But I think I know who you are. I'm very sure about this. I don't usually acknowledge anyone from my previous school. I'll either pretend I didn't see them or cover my face with my hands. So Legend, I'm going to smile at you if I ever bump into you anywhere. That's my way of letting you know that I know who you are. Guys & their egos. Wouldn't it be much easier if you just tell me who you are? Wow! There's no swearings in this post. Miracle.

10:15 pm
It's going to rain soon. Laundry's not done. Revision's not done. Realised I have a huge ass while looking for pants. Luckily not that huge untill couldn't find a size. I missed Big Bang on Music Bank again. Was with mom this afternoon. Dang. Shall download performance from clubbox instead. I've been wanting to dump this blog & go for cyworld. Since I don't have a paypal to pay for my decorations, decided to stick with blogger. Fucking shit. Cyworld's the coolest ever. Blame myself for being fucking poor. The other day I watched a sinetron about a sexually active father who forced sex on his daughter & caused her to commit suicide. I wish I could just mutilate his balls and cook it like takoyaki. But then again, it's just a story. I've been having brutal thoughts ever since I watched Saw. Yeah the movie. Pretty cool. People might thing I'm crazy. I don't think Saw is gross at all. It's brilliant. Jigsaw's my role model!



Woo. Saw Kay Hian, the panadol boy today. Doubt he recognises me. Look's different. Bet he's still as horny as before. Met up with Burger today. Did tasting of coffee, tour around work place && getting to know my colleages. The coffee master assumed that I'm a secondary school kid. Wtf? Come on man. Look at my boobs. Too big to be an O level graduate. & I've put on a little more weight. Surely I look old right? Colleages seemed to be nice. Am not too sure yet. Officially starting work on Monday. I wore hot pants today. Seemed a little tight. I'm such a fatass. Probably will start to lose weight since I'm working soon. Hehe. I take back my words for swearing at mom. But sometimes I just can't hold back my feelings. I just hope mom get well soon. I promise to give her a good life in future. I'm scared I'll lose her. The only person who I can talk shit with is my mom. We'll talk openly like friends. Sometimes I really don't know what to do. Should I get mad at her for being ignorant? Should I just swallow it down? I don't know. I really don't. I hope You'll give me more time. I know I'm an asshole for swearing at her. Sometimes I couldn't bear to see her get hurt. Mom, I wish you knew what is going through my mind. I wish you knew that I want the best for you. I wish you knew that I'd give up my life for you. I wish you knew how much you really mean to me. Oh yeah am so addicted to Big Bang's 2nd mini album. I like the song "Last Farewell". CAN sing this all day man. Sings..I don't wanna be without you girl, majimak insa(last farewell). Shouldn't it be last greeting? I know my korean okay! Erm. I think it's the same. Heck it. Fucking shit man. I missed Big Bang at Music Bank today. It's at 6pm. I was at starbucks with Burger. It's okay. Tomorrow. Ya to all Big Bang fans : KBS Music Bank 3:30pm.



Dad's still in the bathroom. Am waiting for my turn. Having FACT later. I'm hungry. Mom didn't cook for me. I can't take it anymore. I hate to be kept in the dark. To the recent tagger Legend: I really wonder who you are & how you bumped my blog. About the rumours that I'm wild, really wild I think I know where that comes from. Maybe I don't. Did you come here just to tell me that? I'm not mad at you or the rumour. It's just weird having you to tell me that all of a sudden. Do you have anything else to say? Well that's all I have to say. Oh yeah, I don't think I know you Legend. From the way you type, I don't think I know you. dot dot dot..



만세! 만세! Cindy "Burger" just called me. I'm so freaking happy. I got the fucking job! One step closer to a notebook, cellphone, digicam, my korea trip, big bang concert & of course one step closer to my dearest 강대성 오빠 (kang dae sung oppa). I'm gonna work hard & try my very best, juggling school work & my job. I'm spazzing like crazy now. But I'm kinda worried if my soon-to-be colleages are not that nice. I'm worried I won't be able to adapt to their environment. What the heck right? School's pretty boring. Had mini test for Auditing & bloody cash flow statement for Accounting. Am getting sick of it. Cicak (lizard) was so irritating. "Open your cash flow. Open your cash flow already? Everyone open your cash flow. Faster open your cash flow". She's like a song on a constant playback. Felt like putting some pork in her pie hole. But, she's the best facilitator I had. I like her style. I'm lucky enough to have her for Advance Accounting. Know why she's the best? Cause I got an A for my Costing. Hehehe. These days I've been eating junk food. No real food at all. Should I rephrase it as snacks? Maybe I don't have the desire to eat real food anymore. I'm so happy. But not that happy. Just happy. I got the job. Finally! Syukur Alhamdulilah



Had photo-taking today. With the whole of QT-ians. I felt really bad. Hyung ah if you're reading this I'm really sorry. I know you wanted to take pictures so bad. I promise we'll take loads of them. I promise! Today doesn't seemed right. Hyung looked tired, troubled & erm well that =.= look. Get it? Matus was in her own world. All of us didn't say much. Usually we'll talk about loads of stuff. I didn't feel good either. Maybe it's cause hyung's having period? Yeah I think so. Hyung ah. Get well soon and uh finish up your period kays? Hehe. Dang. I swear if I'm fucking rich right now, Imma get my own DVD player. Dad's player sucks. I wanted to watch some shows. Darn player. I saw an old friend today. Well 2 I think. I'm not sure about the other one. Cause I wasn't wearing my specs. Cause wearing specs makes me look like Dexter. You know Dexter? That cartoon science freak. Yeah. I didn't acknowledge them cause we aren't that close anyway. I don't think they like me either. Cause I'm neither attractive nor cool like other girls. Yeah. I'm being shallow. I'm looking forward for tomorrow. It's not because of Jeff okay. It's a new motto? Erm it goes like this: Don't be upset because of today, look forward for a happy tomorrow. Niceeee eh? Heehehe. Auditing class is the best on Wednesdays. Jeff looks like a celebrity. Despite those bumps on his face. Kuss fighting fighting! Eun Neul fighting. Ya ya ya to all Big Bang fans!!

11/23: KBS Music Bank 2nd Minialbum 6pm
Remember Korea has the fastest time. If you get what I mean.



Lady luck was not on our side today. I meant me and hyung. Wanted to watch some horror shows. Unfortunately it's releasing on the 27th & 29th. I'm talking about The Tattooist & 30 Night... yada yada.. whatever the title is. So we had a big lunch instead at ramen ten. Worth it. Happy girl! Went back home with oily face & hair. School starts at 12pm tomorrow. Coolnes right? I'm feeling kinda down these days. Thinking about how unpriviledged I am right now. I really envy those people with so much priviledges. I feel like a sore loser you know? How I wish I was fucking rich too. How I wish I had such great parents too. But no matter how hard I wish, it's not gonna happen anyways. I'm so freaking sad. Comfort me!! =(



I've had it. Why can't she just show some concern for me? I'm your daughter? Right? I've done so much for you. I've sacrifice alot. Why can't you just appreciate me for once? Treat me like a human once. Can't you just pretend to do it? Sometimes I feel like it's really useless to continue living like this. There's no meaning at all. I hate it whenever I'm forced to wait forever for the things I've wanted. I hate it whenever I'm being used. I hate it whenever I'm being treated like an enemy for the littlest mistakes I did. I hate it even more whenever you compare me to your other bloody children. Someday you'll regret it. You'll pay for whatever you did to me. I shall not shed a tear for you. Your a scum. A fucking bitch. I hate you for that. I never want a mother like you. I'd rather be an orphan than be your child. Why did you even bother to raise me? Why didn't you kill me? Why didn't you abort me? Why the fuck did you even bother to have SEX? I hate it whenever you keep telling me you regret marrying my father. So that means you regret having me? Stupid mother fucker. I have your fucking genes. That's why I'm like this. There's no point in everything right now. I'm never gonna ask if you feel hurt. I'm never gonna ask if you feel alright. I'm never gonna listen to your woes. Neither will I cry when you die. Maybe I'll die first. You'll regret this one day. I swear you will. No one will care about you in future. Cause they only want your fucking money. They can't wait for your death. Deal with it mom. It's reality. I feel sad whenever you do this to me. You treat me differently from the others. But what the fuck have they done for you? Nothing but creating problems, asking for money from you. They aren't treating you with respect. Can't you get that straight in your fucking jammed head?! I hate all this. I really hate it. Screw you mom. I hate you for this. I really do.



Perfect job. One step closer to a notebook, big bang goodies, concerts, travelling, add on to wardrobe etc. But, am afraid colleagues ain't that nice & unable to take the nastiness of working world. Think my haircut sucks. Looks like rooster ass. Nothing else to rant right here. Will rant more in future. Cindy hasn't called.



I think she knows my weakness.
That I will always give in no matter what.
I hate myself for giving in.
I tried so hard to be tough.
It's fucking killing me inside.
Can't believe I'm so fucking weak.

Fuck it.
Nobody knows me.
I'm such a good person.
But no one sees that in me.
I always give in and then cry silently.
Doesn't anyone of you have brains to think?
I'm not a bad person!
Damn it!

Every little things I do is bad.
I just don't get it.
I'm so fucking pissed now.
I wish I could turn back time.
This is so fucked up.
I was being humiliated all the time.
Being teased & yelled at.
I'm not fucking wrong to snap back at her.

Why is everyone so fucking treating me like shit?
It's not fair.
You guys are fucking shit.
I was never fucking bad in the first place.
I always been fucking nice to you guys.
So what if I joke around all the time.
It's not that I don't apologise.
It's just a fucking joke.

I fuckingly have my manners.
So I always apologise.
Be thankful.
I've always been the one entertaining you guys.
But YOU guys don't fucking appreciate it.
You guys fucking think that I'm an asshole right?

Fucking shit.
You guys suck.
Screw you guys.
I'm not gonna fucking shit about anything anymore.
Fuck it.
Why the fuck am I writing this?
Fucking shit!

And no I ain't talking about friends.
I was talking about you guys.
Fucking idiots.
Yeah fucking asshole, bitch, moron, minah rep & bastard.
Have fun reading this shit you fucking retards.
I think I was picked up from the trash bin.
Coz I don't fucking belong in this fucking family potrait.



Realised I haven't been updating my blog.
I've changed a little bit of "image" for school.
A World War VI blew up two days ago.
Little lamb chop recovered from her sickness.

I'm OK with Haseena.
I've been eating less these days.
Little snacks & juices or milo.
I haven't weigh yet.
Still haven't gotten my $120 & LG cellphone.

Saw "hot stuff" yesterday & spazzes like crazy.
I'm a nutcase for "hot stuff".
School's alright.
It's pretty slow & steady.
Realised I have stretch marks on my legs.
I mean behind my knees. if you get the point yo?

My legs look like pork chops.
It's Deepavali today.
I'm slacking at home.
Gotta do my own laundry.
I'm kind of hungry.

But there's no food at home.
Will be filling up my time with k-dramas & k-movies.
Will take a shower later.
Waiting for mom to come home.
Dad's the same.
He's still an asshole.

Bro's the same too.
Getting "pay cheques" from mom.
Sis's still as lazy & bitchy.
I'm pretty good.
Been trying to build up more confidence.

I saw old classmate yesterday on the way home.
Don't know whether he recognises me.
Despite all of that, life's pretty normal.
I love my ordinary life, period.



I felt extremely good today.
I know I've been kind of mean towards Haseena.
But I did talk to her today.
I showed her Big Bang The Real Concert - S.E.S Parody.
It goes to show I'm a good friend. hehehe

I felt really bad for not talking to her.
I have to accept her as an individual.
I shouldn't have made her feel like shit.
But I haven't apologise.
Things shall get better soon.

Today, I found the right kind of clothing.
The kind of style that suits me best.
Gotta get more hot pants.
YES I haven't been eating alot lately.
Thanks to mom for not cooking.
I've been cutting on carbs too.

Kudos to me.
I'm one step closer to my goal.
I'm standing 164cm tall.
So my weight should be less than 60 right?
At first I wanted to be stick skinny.
But now I just want to be 50kg.
A little chub.
Not skinny & not fat.

I realised that I've been talking about weight most of the time.
Probably because that's the biggest issue in my life.
I've been teased about my weight gazillion times.
Relatives, friends, family & even strangers.
It's even harder for me to find a part-time job.
People are judging by looks first then personality.

So yeah.
I'm gonna try my very best.
By the way, I've been a little stressed up lately.
Should I move on to polytechnic?
Should I stick to my goal = cosmetology school?

Hyung told me not to waste time.
She's right.
But at the same time, I'm worried.
I'm not the study type.
Should I move on?


Just look at my oppa. He's so smexy. Can't take my eyes off Dae Sung oppa.I haven't been in the best mood lately. I feel so down. So depressed, crushed & frustrated. I wish money grows on trees. Then I could just pluck em' off and go to school happily. It frustrates me to see people from close to perfect family background not appreciating what they have in life. Oh well, I guess my life is like this. I'm not even enjoying my youth right now. I blame myself for this. For being such a loser. Fuck. Oppa look amazingly hot in this picture. Looks like I can never meet Big Bang ever in real life. Slim chance, fat hope Kuss. Only admiring them quietly. They don't even know I exist. So much for being an I-VIP. Ahhhhhh I'm so fucking sad. Soooooo fucking sad. I'm such a nice friend but no one appreciates it. Damn it. Fuck.

Big Bang mini album "Always" a big success. Chukkahae! Five multi talented smexy hotties made it big now since debut "La La La" & now biggest hit "Lie". No doubt about it. Crossing boundaries, Big Bang is gonna make it for sure. I love Big Bang. =) *Sings* I'm so sorry but I love you da kojidmal. Iya mollasuh. Ije ya arassuh. Ni guh piryohae.

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